I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
