She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
