I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
