I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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