Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
