i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
