Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
