I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
