I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize