we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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