Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
