Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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