Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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