Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize