I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
