why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
MIDGETS
????
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
