you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
