OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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