I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
