Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
