I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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