I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
