Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
