I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
