Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
