what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
