you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
