She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
