I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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