remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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