The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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