He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I didn't notice because vodka
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
