Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
