my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
