Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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