Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
