Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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