He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize