at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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