there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
