ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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