It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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