something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
