you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
people are starting to question the shark bite story
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Randomize
