Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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