Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
