It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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