I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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