she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
