Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
