Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
