the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
