meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize