Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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