I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you win again, gameday.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
