Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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