I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
