im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My bed is full of blood and feathers
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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