do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
