fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Do vagina's smell?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dicks are not precious.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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